Don’t go near the water!

Horsington Pond infested with killer fish – did the butler do it?

There’s something nasty beneath the calm pellucid waters of Horsington Pond. It seems a flock (er-what? –Ed) of carnivorous fish have made their way into the pond, and are making a meal of anyone – or their feet at least – who goes near the water.

The fish are a breed called garra rufa obtusas, or “Doctor fish”, used for carrying out so-called fish pedicures in spas and hairdressers. The little blighters nibble away at all your dead skin, treating any infections and returning your feet to pristine condition.

So how did they get into the pond?  Police are dismissing the theory that they escaped from a local hairdressing salon on the grounds that there are no hairdressers upstream of the pond. However the brook which feeds the pond passes through the gardens of, or near, some of Horsington’s most prestigious and expensive residences – including Horsington House, Horsington Manor and the Grange, and the area is known for its upmarket and well-heeled residents.

Police believe that someone may have kept the animals as domestic pets, using them for the occasional toe job. Then, perhaps while they were away, a well-meaning cleaner or butler may have accidently pulled the plug.

The bad news is that these creatures only eat human skin and flesh, and no-one knows what a domesticated strain will do when they are released into the wild. As a result, cautionary warning notices have been erected around the pond and people have been advised to keep away.

However, animal rights activists have claimed that to deprive the fish of human flesh will starve them, and this amounts to terrible and unwarranted cruelty.

Is our quiet village going to be besieged by activists and fish campaigners?  Or overrun by foot tourists? Will it put local hairdressers out of business? Local politicians better be prepared, as it’s a potential vote loser in the sensitive run-up to the elections.

We understand   a SSDC meeting to discuss the matter , scheduled for April 1^st, has been mysteriously postponed.

We shall, of course, keep you informed!