Category: Humour

The Blog has been favoured with another communication from Mrs Badger. Welcome back ma’am. She writes:

“Dear Editor,

I got very excited watching the Victoria Wood video which you so thoughtfully provided, and naturally my thoughts turned to disappointing or non-performance and thence to the problems facing the US economy and this Fiscal Cliff thing.. It is so long since I worked in the City that I haven’t the faintest notion of what it’s all about. Could you enlighten us please?

Certainly my dear. Imagine a household budget:
Annual family income: £21,700
Money the family spent: £38,200
New debt on the credit card:£16,500
Outstanding balance on the credit card: £142,710
Total budget cuts so far: £385

To put this into perspective for the US economy, simply add 8 noughts to each of the above numbers,  and substitute “USA” for “household”.

Easy. Now can anyone come up with a solution? The UK and European situations are not so different.

 

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has appently delighted women – but baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey*, offers a treat for the men. The book’s author, Colin Grey, recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts…

*Amazon,£6.99, or £0.74 on Kindle

 Fifty Sheds Of Grey

“We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall… But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.”

“She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to Nando’s.”

“She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.”

“Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.”

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

“I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.”

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

Looks like it’s the ultimate “must have” book for the loo this Christmas -Ed

 

In a surprise move, which has left Fleet Street gasping in astonishment, the Blog has secured and published a full frontal picture of the Duchess of Cambridge. Remember, you saw it here first!. Click to view (over 18’s only)

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Always first with the news, the Horsington Blog reports that following the furore around the  notorious unauthorised photographs of the Duchess of Cambridge on holiday in France, Royal potters Wedgewood have decided to lauch some special commemorative jugs. More . . .

Following the furore over the publication of the racy novel “50 shades of grey”, we are pleased to announce the publication of a special edition for men.

Click here if you dare

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel “pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land.”

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land.”

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn’t
realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent
my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy merchant bankers and
increased Vat to 20%.

Very depressing. Last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to
a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal; they got all excited
and asked if I could drive a truck.