Profesor Horatio Zolby, publisher of the Zolby Blog
The Horsington Blog is honoured to have climate scientist and political expert Professor Horatio Zolby BF, BO, CFC, as a guest. Professor Zolby has taken it upon himself to create a strong and illuminating link between the government of the day and the electorate. He employs this to explain such things as energy policy in a simple and transparent way. Required viewing before you cast your vote next Thursday!
Like the Editor of the Horsington Blog, the Professor spends much time in his potting shed contemplating life, the universe and everything, and it is from there, Mimosa Street, Fulham, that he addresses the nation. Visit Professor Zolby Blog
I am very disappointed on the level of election coverage in the Blog. I would have hoped for some erudite comment and some forensic analysis of the various policies on offer from the different parties. When my late husband was alive he would be up all night poring over magazines and websites, studying the finer points of the election debate.
I live alone, and would welcome some advice on where to place my vote.
Yours,
Amelia Badger (Mrs)
The Blog’s political correspondent Kevin Mustard has sent us this postcard. He says that on the fees the Blog pays him, it’s all we can expect, but we hope he will file something more substantial before the big day -Ed
Horsington Pond infested with killer fish – did the butler do it?
It may look like a peaceful village pond to you, but what’s under the surface?
There’s something nasty beneath the calm pellucid waters of Horsington Pond. It seems a flock (er-what? –Ed) of carnivorous fish have made their way into the pond, and are making a meal of anyone – or their feet at least – who goes near the water.
The fish are a breed called garra rufa obtusas, or “Doctor fish”, used for carrying out so-called fish pedicures in spas and hairdressers. The little blighters nibble away at all your dead skin, treating any infections and returning your feet to pristine condition.
So how did they get into the pond? Police are dismissing the theory that they escaped from a local hairdressing salon on the grounds that there are no hairdressers upstream of the pond. However the brook which feeds the pond passes through the gardens of, or near, some of Horsington’s most prestigious and expensive residences – including Horsington House, Horsington Manor and the Grange, and the area is known for its upmarket and well-heeled residents.
Police believe that someone may have kept the animals as domestic pets, using them for the occasional toe job. Then, perhaps while they were away, a well-meaning cleaner or butler may have accidently pulled the plug.
The bad news is that these creatures only eat human skin and flesh, and no-one knows what a domesticated strain will do when they are released into the wild. As a result, cautionary warning notices have been erected around the pond and people have been advised to keep away.
You have been warned!
However, animal rights activists have claimed that to deprive the fish of human flesh will starve them, and this amounts to terrible and unwarranted cruelty.
Is our quiet village going to be besieged by activists and fish campaigners? Or overrun by foot tourists? Will it put local hairdressers out of business? Local politicians better be prepared, as it’s a potential vote loser in the sensitive run-up to the elections.
We understand a SSDC meeting to discuss the matter , scheduled for April 1st, has been mysteriously postponed.
We shall, of course, keep you informed!
Anonymous Horsington residents take advantage of the disaster for a free body scrubHorsington Pond in happier times
Winterbourne Longjohns, our resident racing correspondent writes:
Very enjoyable day in miserable weather at Sandown yesterday, where I learnt that CROCO BAY was strongly fancied to win the 3.05 at Wincanton this afternoon . I am assured that the owner and all the connections are all supporting his chance .Other fancies for the day include P’TIT ZIG in the 3.50 at Ascot and Harry Fry’s FLETCHERS FLYER in the 4.00 at Haydock, where doubtless the going will be hock deep.
Please assure Mrs Badger that indeed a visit to Wincanton is being thought about for either February 25th or March 5th DV, and that it is indeed a good thing that I have in my possession an original vinyl recording of Guy Hands ‘Loving You Has Made me Bananas” since the link on the Horsington Blog is unfortunately merely a black hole !
If you receive the blog via email, the link may not function. Click on the heading and you will be taken to the blog itself, where everything works. – Ed
Late Update: Croco Bay, came 3rd, P’tit Zig fell, and Fletcher’s Flyer came 2nd. -Ed
St Valentine’s day is here, and spring cannot be far away. I have a feeling love is in the air already, as a spy tells me that your nice Mr Winterbourne Longjohns will be visiting soon.
Perhaps you could be kind enough to play a record request on your radio station to entice him hither? I know he is a fan of sophisticated nightclub music, so could we please hear “Loving you has made me bananas”?
Certainly ma’am, it’s a great pleasure. Just turn the sound up and click on the link below:
We have received a mysterious communication from our racing correspondent, Winterbourne Longjohns. It is headed “B.B.S.S” and says:
“Winterborne Longjohns is most concerned by the repeated rumours that the editor of the Hoisington Blog has sold the publication to a group of West Somerset investors led by Rupert Murdoch and the Half Moon Inn. White Horses should only be followed at Cannotwin when they have been stabled at Uncle Toms Cabin.
Can anyone interpret the great man’s words? Or name the region and and vintage of whatever he imbibed before composing this? What does B.B.S.S. mean? The editor may award prizes.
We hope Winterbourne will be well enough to tell us the winners at Cannotwin before the Boxing Day meeting starts.
Dear Editor,
It seems ages since I last wrote to you.
I wonder if you could bring your considerable wisdom to bear on an etiquette issue? I have two young friends visiting for the weekend, and unfortunately they are both smokers. I feel I should furnish them with a room in which to enjoy their disgusting and antisocial habit, but I am stumped for a suitable decorative theme. Can you help?
This ceiling painting is ideal. Any local artists want to volunteer? -Ed
A readers’ survey conducted by Benchpoint for the Blog showed that nearly 87% of readers believe Scotland should remain in the UK. 13% believe it should be an independent nation.
The same proportion (87%) believes that the “No” vote will carry the day in the actual referendum.
23 people took part in the survey, a remarkable result given that the blog has been asleep for most of the summer. One response came from Canada, the other from Germany, so thank you, our foreign readers.
We know of one Horsington resident who, tempted by the odds on offer from the bookies, put his shirt on a “yes” vote. Who? Our lips remain sealed.
Meanwhile the media has begun to report a serious backlash against the result (whatever it is). It started with a fake frontier post on the border, and then escalated as these exclusive previews show. And it’s still 7 months to April 1st!
The Blog has been going for four years, and we’ve had a few laughs (Really? -Ed)
One of our readers has discovered the Flipboard app, which allows you to consolidate material from diiferent parts of the internet in one handy place.
Click in the image to see the web magazine
He has put together a collection of our April Fool stories to save you the trouble trawling back through the archive. You didn’t really believe them, did you?
If you click the link from a phone or a tablet, when prompted “get the App”. say yes. It looks great.
