Election fever grips Horsington

Mrs Badger writes . . .

Dear Editor,

I am very disappointed on the level of election coverage in the Blog. I would have hoped for some erudite comment and some forensic analysis of the various policies on offer from the different parties. When my late husband was alive he would be up all night poring over magazines and websites, studying the finer points of the election debate.

I live alone, and would welcome some advice on where to place my vote.

Yours,
Amelia Badger (Mrs)

The Blog’s political correspondent Kevin Mustard has sent us this postcard.  He says that on the fees the Blog pays him, it’s all we can expect, but we hope he will file something more substantial before the big day -Ed
You kip low res

Don’t go near the water!

Horsington Pond infested with killer fish – did the butler do it?

Horsington Pond
It may look like a peaceful village pond to you, but what’s under the surface?

There’s something nasty beneath the calm pellucid waters of Horsington Pond. It seems a flock (er-what? –Ed) of carnivorous fish have made their way into the pond, and are making a meal of anyone – or their feet at least – who goes near the water.

The fish are a breed called garra rufa obtusas, or “Doctor fish”, used for carrying out so-called fish pedicures in spas and hairdressers. The little blighters nibble away at all your dead skin, treating any infections and returning your feet to pristine condition.

So how did they get into the pond?  Police are dismissing the theory that they escaped from a local hairdressing salon on the grounds that there are no hairdressers upstream of the pond. However the brook which feeds the pond passes through the gardens of, or near, some of Horsington’s most prestigious and expensive residences – including Horsington House, Horsington Manor and the Grange, and the area is known for its upmarket and well-heeled residents.

Police believe that someone may have kept the animals as domestic pets, using them for the occasional toe job. Then, perhaps while they were away, a well-meaning cleaner or butler may have accidently pulled the plug.

The bad news is that these creatures only eat human skin and flesh, and no-one knows what a domesticated strain will do when they are released into the wild. As a result, cautionary warning notices have been erected around the pond and people have been advised to keep away.

Horsington Pond
You have been warned!

However, animal rights activists have claimed that to deprive the fish of human flesh will starve them, and this amounts to terrible and unwarranted cruelty.

Is our quiet village going to be besieged by activists and fish campaigners?  Or overrun by foot tourists? Will it put local hairdressers out of business? Local politicians better be prepared, as it’s a potential vote loser in the sensitive run-up to the elections.

We understand   a SSDC meeting to discuss the matter , scheduled for April 1st, has been mysteriously postponed.

We shall, of course, keep you informed!

Anonymous Horsington residents take advantage of the disaster for a free body scrub
Anonymous Horsington residents take advantage of the disaster for a free body scrub
Horsington Pond in happier times
Horsington Pond in happier times

Winterbourne’s tips of the day

Winterbourne Longjohns, our resident racing correspondent writes:

Very enjoyable day in miserable weather at Sandown yesterday, where I learnt that CROCO BAY was strongly fancied to win the 3.05  at Wincanton  this afternoon . I am assured that the owner and all the connections are all supporting  his chance .Other fancies for the day include P’TIT ZIG in the 3.50 at Ascot and Harry Fry’s  FLETCHERS FLYER in the 4.00 at Haydock, where doubtless the going will be hock deep.

Please assure Mrs Badger that indeed a visit to Wincanton is being thought about for either February 25th or March 5th  DV, and that it is indeed a good thing that I have in my possession an original vinyl recording of Guy Hands ‘Loving You Has Made me Bananas” since the link on the Horsington Blog is unfortunately merely a black hole !

If you receive the blog via email, the link may not function. Click on the heading and you will be taken to the blog itself, where everything works. – Ed

Late Update: Croco Bay, came 3rd, P’tit Zig fell, and Fletcher’s Flyer  came 2nd. -Ed

Valentines Day – Love is in the air

Mrs Badger writes:

St Valentine’s day is here, and spring cannot be far away. I have a feeling love is in the air already, as a spy tells me that your nice Mr Winterbourne Longjohns will be visiting soon.

Perhaps you could be kind enough to play a record request on your radio station to entice him hither? I know he is a fan of sophisticated nightclub music, so could we please hear “Loving you has made me bananas”?

Certainly ma’am, it’s a great pleasure. Just turn the sound up and click on the link below:

 

Has Winterbourne Longjohns lost it?

We have received a mysterious communication from our racing correspondent, Winterbourne Longjohns. It is headed “B.B.S.S” and says:

“Winterborne Longjohns is most concerned by the repeated rumours that the editor  of the Hoisington  Blog has sold the publication to a  group of West Somerset investors led  by Rupert  Murdoch and the Half  Moon Inn.  White Horses should only be followed at Cannotwin when they have been stabled at Uncle Toms Cabin.

Can anyone interpret the great man’s words? Or name the region and and vintage of whatever he imbibed before composing this? What does B.B.S.S. mean? The editor may award prizes.

We hope Winterbourne will be well enough to tell us the winners at Cannotwin before the  Boxing Day meeting starts.

Editor to the rescue of Mrs Badger

Mrs Badger writes . . .

Dear Editor,
It seems ages since I last wrote to you.
I wonder if you could bring your considerable wisdom to bear on an etiquette issue? I have two young friends visiting for the weekend, and unfortunately they are both smokers. I feel I should furnish them with a room in which to enjoy their disgusting and antisocial habit, but I am stumped for a suitable decorative theme. Can you help?

This ceiling painting is ideal. Any local artists want to volunteer? -Ed

smoking

Scottish Referendum: Horsington speaks for the nation

A readers’ survey conducted by Benchpoint for the Blog showed that nearly 87% of readers believe Scotland should remain in the UK. 13% believe it should be an independent nation.

The same proportion (87%) believes that the “No” vote will carry the day in the actual referendum.

23 people took part in the survey, a remarkable result given that the blog has been asleep for most of the summer. One response came from Canada, the other from Germany, so thank you, our foreign readers.

You can look at the results in detail here. . .

We know of one Horsington resident who, tempted by the odds on offer from the bookies, put his shirt on a “yes” vote. Who? Our lips remain sealed.

Meanwhile the media has begun to report a serious backlash against the result (whatever it is). It started with a fake frontier post on the border, and then escalated as these exclusive previews show. And it’s still 7 months to April 1st!Scottish TelegraphScottish DM

Scottish Sun

Blog History

The Blog has been going for four years, and we’ve had a few laughs (Really? -Ed)

One of our readers has discovered the Flipboard  app, which allows you to consolidate material from diiferent parts of the internet in one handy place.

Click in the image to see the web magazine
Click in the image to see the web magazine

He has put together a collection of our April Fool stories to save you  the trouble trawling back through the archive. You didn’t really believe them, did you?

If you click the link from a phone or a tablet, when prompted “get the App”. say yes. It looks great.

http://flip.it/4uVvh

Mrs Badger writes . . .

Good morning ma’am, we are always happy to hear from you-Ed.

Dear Mr Editor,

I have been following your new racing correspondent Winterbourne Longjohns with great interest, and not inconsiderable  profit, and I wonder if there is some way you could introduce me to him. My late husband (my third, alas) was a noted point-to-point rider in his day, and there was nothing he liked better than a joyous gallop over the jumps. But I digress!

Perhaps he knew Winterbourne Longjohns? There is nothing I would like more than to sit with your esteemed tipster and reminisce about the good old days at Goodwood, Badbury Rings and Charlton Horethorne over a glass of two of something special. I should also like an opportunity to reward him for the good fortune he has brought me.

Do you know who he is? Could you perhaps furnish a photographic likeness of him?

Yours, fondly,

Amelia Badger (Mrs)

LongjohnsWinterbourne is a very private man. When I say he shares a postcode (well part of it) with Her majesty the Queen, you will surely understand that we have to be discreet. However he does make the occasional foray into Somerset,  often for the Wincanton race meeting associated with your good name. He asks whether you are perchance connected with that great brewing dynasty responsible for Badger ale?

A positive answer, he assures me, may result in a rapid take up of your kind invitation.

Meanwhile, here is a picture of Winterbourne Longjohns, not taken in the Royal enclosure at Ascot.