Horrorscope

Your fate in the stars, by Claire Voyant, astrologer in residence at the Half Moon
February 

Aquarius The Moon and Venus play havoc with your love life, while at work you come up against enemies who have had it in for you for years. You will seek refuge among  the calming influence of wiser counsels at the bar and will find London Pride gives you solace, despite having gone up to £3 a pint. Don’t drink too much – the end of the month will be tricky and Uranus is a tough master.

Pisces  Make plans for travel this month as your natural desire to help people will be in much demand as they try to dump their woes on you. Read the other ‘scopes, and you can spot the ones to avoid. You may be wise and self aware, but you are also dedicated to compassionate service to others. Sucker. Get out.

Aries  Sharing the same birth sign as Hitler does not give you the right to boss everyone around, and it’s not a bad idea to get rid of that moustache either, or people might think you are  gay (not you, obviously, madam).  It’s not a bad idea to lie low, take it easy, and stop hitting on people.

Taurus  You are cautious, practical and purposeful, so it’s the garden for you this month. Mind your back tackling those ground elder roots and you should be OK. If it all gets too much, a nice calming glass of Stowford Cider at the Half Moon will calm you down.

Gemini  You are not a “glass half full” person or a ”glass half empty” person. For you, the glass is simply too small. Best to avoid buying big ticket items, even at Argos; rather stay around the village and try one of the larger glasses in the Half Moon. Keep your eyes open for ESB, because the Sun and Mercury  will make you thirsty and ambitious.

Cancer  You are one of the world’s nicest people, indeed almost perfect. Your cooking is magnificent and everybody loves you. What they don’t know, of course, is that deep down you would really prefer to be elsewhere and Venus will present the perfect opportunity later in the month. A large Merlot in the Half Moon may give you the springboard.

Leo  For you, life is a stage, and acclaim by friends and colleagues can lead you astray.  Stay away from danger and sublimate your artistic and creative urges by volunteering to help the paint the Milborne Port Opera’s scenery flats in Chris Bailward’s barn. A delicious pint or a G+T in the Half Moon afterwards will put you in a warm and reflective mood.

Virgo  You are a very interesting person, but you do tend to go on a bit. Also people get a bit teed off with your fastidious nit- picking approach. Luckily you can rise above the criticism of lesser mortals, but be careful –one of them might have a knife. Basically a month to curb your impulses, but that does not mean you can’t enjoy your usual tipple at the Half Moon. Just stay down the other end of the bar.

Libra   For God’s sake get off the fence! Stop agreeing with everyone else. Find a line and stick to it. If you’re not in a relationship, the omens are favourable, but don’t get excited. It won’t last.  An agreeable and relaxing gossip over a glass of Sauvignon or a pint of Wadworth’s will help compensate for the downsides.

Scorpio  Yours is one of the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac, and I can’t make it out either. You are magnetic, elusive, sexy and determined, even ruthless, and it looks like a bit of a mixed month. Stay cool, rise above it, and take plenty of fluids (You know where).

Sagitarius Half man (or woman), half beast, that’s you, and this month you want the best of both worlds, and it looks like you will get it, at least in the first half of the month, so it’s a good idea to try that on line dating service you have been thinking about. Or play it safe, and go down to the pub and laugh at the lonely hearts ads in the Blackmore Vale, along with the rest of them.

Capricorn  Your suspicion of others is bordering on paranoia, but just because others are out to get you, there’s no need to reach for the valium. Relax over a few bevvies in the Half Moon and get your mind in tune, because the rest of the month, thanks to the Moon and Venus, will be full of romantic and financial opportunities. Don’t blow it!